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Unfortunately over the years I witnessed friends and colleagues go through very emotional and damaging divorces. Many of the divorces were caused by a cheating spouse situation, either themselves or their partner. The offender had often been discovered through a cheating spouse investigation.  In my thirty-five years on the Jersey City Police Department as from supervisor to Chief of Police I often had to monitor or become involved in employees personal family issues. My involvement would occur when the problems crossed into the workplace.  This crossover would happen at times when laws were allegedly violated, i.e. Domestic Violence.

Over the years I witnessed many  instances of infidelity on the part of married people that I know.  I never really understood the risk these people would  take.  Adults with children who were cheating on their spouse not care in the world. They seemingly never considered the impact their conduct would have on their marriages or their children. Many of them never thinking their partner would initiate a cheating spouse investigation.  For the most part when your marriage ends in divorce finances are going to be split up. Splitting up of assets will definitely negatively effect your children.  Children are then required to live with either parent along with all the negative guilt involved. When provided the opportunity I have often asked some of those involved “was it really worth it”?

Before ever considering infidelity think carefully about the well being of your children.  If your infidelity is uncovered though a cheating spouse investigation it is they who suffer

irIn a marriage with children, the kids are probably the most affected by the the infidelity of a parent. Discovery often occurs  through a cheating spouse investigation. The major negative impact is the loss of trust and respect the children had for the cheating spouse.  A parent is supposed to be the person who a child can trust more than anyone else in the world.  When one parent cheats on another it is a monumental breach of trust.  Not only the damage to the cheating victim but also the child. It is axiomatic that the children of the relationship would feel the cheating parent had betrayed them.

Before a cheating spouse investigation begins it’s important parents realize their responsibility for the well being of their children. The responsibility rests with the parents and the parents alone. It’s the parent’s responsibility to provide a positive role model for their children. They provide this positive role model by the behaviors they exhibit, in other words “teach by example”.

Ana L. Nogales, who specializes in marriage and relationship therapy, conducted a survey of more than 800 adult children. The children were of parents who had cheated in their relationships.  The results were hardly startling more than 80 percent said their attitudes toward love and relationships were affected.  83 percent said they believed that everyone lies. Additionally, more than 70 percent of the respondents indicated their ability to trust had also been negatively affected.  Do you think this is something that the cheating spouse considered prior to becoming involved in the illicit relationship?

How Does Evidence Uncovered In A Cheating Spouse Investigation Affect Your Very Young Children Over The Long Term?

I have done much research on how Infidelity uncovered during a cheating spouse investigation affects the children of the relationship. I found one expert particularly interesting detailing harm to children where one of the parents is unfaithful. Relationships expert Kate Figes spent three years talking to unfaithful spouses, psychologists and marriage counselors. In an article in the Daily Mail she concluded the harm to children in a cheating relationship is very real. Ms. Figes than goes about breaking it down by age.

 When the children are under five:

A parent absorbed by an affair, no measure of denial can hide the fact a cheating parent has less emotional energy for their kids. At the same time, both parents will be having arguments about the infidelity creating even more tensions at home.  Sensing their parents’ withdrawal, babies and small children will feel anxious and resort to their only weapon: crying.

Frequent tears are a desperate plea for more attention. However, their parents will be wrapped up in their own feelings. The parents will find it difficult to respond to the children’s needs.

The study had found this to be extremely damaging for children under three.  During this period in a child’s life it’s critical the child be totally enveloped by passionate parental love.  The study concluded that when children under three miss out on this parental adoration they become nervous. When these kids become adults, it is possible they may experience problems with intimacy.

Figes’s study also indicates the older the children are when cheating begins the more damaging the affair will be.  I have attached a link to the article at the conclusion of this piece. The article would definitely be a good read. The article breaks down the negative effects of infidelity on children by age. If you ever want to find a reason not to cheat on your spouse you should read this article.

Another perspective of the effects of a cheating spouse on the children of marriage comes from Ana Nogales, Ph.D., author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, she coined the term “children of infidelity” to identify children of any age whose parent or parents engage in one or more acts of infidelity. Nogales found that as permissive as society has become, most children are badly hurt by a parent’s infidelity because, like the betrayed parent, they also feel betrayed.

More than 800 grown children whose parents had been unfaithful in their relationship responded to Nogales’s online Parents Who Cheat survey.

• 4% felt angry toward the cheating parent.
• 5% felt ashamed or embarrassed.
• 2% felt that it influenced their attitudes toward love and relationships.
• 5% said their ability to trust others had been affected.
• 83% stated that they feel people regularly lie.
• 86% reported they still believe in monogamy.

Nogales study found that by and large, adult children of infidelity know, from experience, the extent to which a family suffers with a parent’s betrayal, and so these adult children do not want to follow in their unfaithful parent’s steps. A 2007 survey found 93% of respondents rated faithfulness as the single most important component of a successful marriage.

Nogales’s survey affirms the fact that children feel betrayed when a parent cheats on a spouse. The victim of the marital infidelity may not expect anything from the cheating spouse. However, the child is left with hopeful expectations from the cheating parent as well as a host of fears. Children often find themselves, victims of a terrifying experience, when a parent is unfaithful and offers few viable options. After all, children are powerless to stop infidelity.  Nogales further concluded that the children of infidelity regardless of their age are left with psychological issues that—unresolved—can plague them throughout their life.

Violence And Infidelity; Are You Capable Of Physically Hurting Someone If  You Discovered By a Cheating Spouse Investigation Your Spouse Had Cheating On You?

 Earlier in this article I had talked about my thirty-five years experience on the Jersey City Police Department as a supervisor and finally as the Chief of the Department. Employees personal family issues cross into the workplace or even worse, at times when laws were allegedly violated, i.e. Domestic Violence, many times these problems began when the victim spouse initiated a cheating spouse investigation.

This internal experience on the police department was just a microcosm of what is going on in society as a whole with respect to domestic violence, which in many instances has its roots in infidelity in a relationship; in many cases of domestic violence at least one of the partners in a relationship may believe their spouse is cheating.  What many people fail to realize when they become involved in infidelity is the violence that can erupt if the victim of the cheating spouse becomes aware of the infidelity.I have experienced the results of this violence on many of its victims while on the police department.  People who are victimized by a cheating spouse and then become involved in victimizing the cheater or the cheaters lover often do not have a history of physical abuse or even have violent tendencies.  The emotions that might explode from deep within an otherwise calm and rational person who finds out his or her spouse has cheated is a very real and ominous threat.

I was reading a study recently on how violence against the cheater and his or her lover can often follow the discovery of an affair, at the end of the article in the comments section I found the following which I think anyone contemplating being unfaithful to their spouse should consider before crossing that line, just ask yourself, do I really want to do this to my family?

From Anonymous:

 Long and sad story that I’m not proud of 

I had an unexpected half day at work and came home early to find my girlfriend of 4 years (that I had just proposed to a month before), f**king her married with kids supervisor, who had congratulated me on our engagement just a week prior.

I really can’t describe what this anger feels like to anyone that hasn’t been in a situation as extreme as this. But I really did “lose it”, it was like some sort of auto pilot kicked in. I grabbed her from on top of him and threw her off the bed, she collided into the closet knocking the sliding door off the tracks and I just began unleashing this fury of unrelenting fists at this guys head breaking three of my fingers in the process. My now ex fiance managed to get up and was attempting to restrain me while half shrieking and crying in absolute horror.

This was enough distraction for supervisor of the year to evade me, grabbing his clothes and bolting out of there like an olympic sprinter leaving a trail of blood droplets on the carpet in his wake. After that I just started scooping up everything I could find that belonged to her and throwing it into the hallway ignoring her wailing and pleading, I didn’t even make eye contact. I grabbed her set of keys, took my apt key off the key ring, threw her keys down the hall.

The last thing I did was forcefully remove the engagement ring from her finger and locked the door to my apartment behind me. She followed me down to the parking lot still screaming and pleading with me, and I just drove off.. Prior to this I had never been in a fight in my life, never had put my hands on anyone in an aggressive way, and I haven’t since this took place. If someone offered me the choice between being water boarded for a week straight or walk in on my fiance f**king her boss in my bed, I would’ve picked the waterboarding without even blinking. 

Source Material:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair–damage-WORSE-older-stray.html

https://kindredmedia.org/2015/06/children-of-infidelity-how-they-hurt-and-how-they-heal/

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About the author:  Bob Cowan is the owner of Cowan Investigations a full service New Jersey Private Investigations Firm, Bob is the former Chief of the Jersey City Police Department and has 35 years experience as a police officer in New Jersey’s second largest municipality.

If you wish to speak with me regarding this article, or if you need a consultation regarding it’s contents please do not hesitate to call me at 732-837-8444, seven days a week 8:00am to 8:00pm.